.Life.

SO I GOT MY SECOND TATTOO TODAY.

NOTHING SPECIAL.
SOUTH AMERICA
ITS NOT FINISHED :D
-POETIC.JUSTICE

.Venting.

DON'T YOU HATE...WHEN YOU GET YOURSELF TOGETHER..WHETHER IT BE IN THE MORNING FOR WORK
OR SCHOOL OR FOR A PARTY OR WHATEVER...AND YOU LEAVE WITH SO MUCH CONFIDENCE
AND THEN YOU RUN INTO A GROUP OF BOYS AND EVEN GIRLS..AND YOUR CONFIDENCE JUST
LEAVES YOUR ENTIRE BEING? THAT'S HOW I FEEL.
SOMETIMES I CAN BUILD UP ENOUGH CONFIDENCE TO WALK OUT WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH
BUT AS SOON AS I REACH OUTSIDE AND DIFFERENT OPINIONS FLY I FEEL SO SLIGHTED.
LIKE...MAYBE IF MY SKIN WAS LIGHTER.
OR MY TEETH WERE STRAIGHTER
OR IF I WASN'T SO THICK
OR I DON'T KNOW IF I WERE MORE BEAUTIFUL.
THE CONFIDENCE WOULD BE THERE.
MY EYES WOULDN'T BE SO FIXED ON THE SIDEWALK
AND I WOULD JUST BE ABLE TO SMILE AND KNOW
EVERYTHING WAS A- O K.
:(

[old]ADVICE part 2

THE BIBLE..THE KURAN (QURAN?) AND MOST OTHER

SPIRITUAL..AND RELIGOUS BOOKS TEACH US THAT

WE MUST LOVE LIKE A CHILD....THAT WE MUST HAVE

A CHILD~LIKE MINDSTATE WHEN WE GET INTO A LOVING

RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER. I AM HONESTLY TIRED

OF HEARING MY AQUAINTANCES..( I ONLY CALLED A

CERTAIN FEW FRIENDS)COMPLAIN ABOUT WANTING A MAN

BUT YET THEY HAVE FEAR IN THEIR HEARTS AND ALL

THESE EXPECTATIONS..BUT WORSE YET..IS THAT THEY

SETTLE...I HATE TO SEE PEOPLE SETTLE BECAUSE

THEY DONT WANT TO BE ALONE..THAT WHOLE..."IMMA

STICK WITH HIM OR HER CAUSE I DONT WANT TO BE

ALONE SHIT" UGGGHH MAKES ME SICK...MAYBE IM JUST

VENTING CAUSE IM EXHAUSTED..IM TIRED OF HEARING

FRIENDS WHO WANT RELATIONSHIPS SETTLE FOR A

SEX BUDDY WHEN THEY KNOW THEY WANT MORE..AND ARE

ONLY DOING THAT BECAUSE THEY HAVE THIS HOPEFUL

THINKING THAT IT WILL GROW INTO SOMETHING MORE..

LADIES IF A GUY WANTS YOU NOTHING CAN STOP HIM

FROM WANTING YOU...BUT FEAR IN HIS OWN HEART

NOW FEAR MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP IN MY MOUTH

AND THEN IT EAT..WHICH I MEAN ITS DISGUSTING..

ALL THIS "I FEAR HE OR SHE IS GONNA HURT ME"

"I FEAR IF I MOVE ON FROM THIS DUDE OR GIRL

THE NEXT WOMAN OR MAN IN THAT DUDE OR GIRLS

LIFE WILL REAP THE BENEFITS" B U L L S H I T

ALL THIS FEAR TALK MAKES ME MAD..IT STOPS PEOPLE

FROM GOING AFTER WHAT THEY WANT...EH. IF U WANT

SOMETHING OR SOMEONE.GO AFTER THEM!!! DONT WAIT

TO SEE IF SOMETHING BETTER IS GONNA COME ALONG

CAUSE IF YOU WANT THAT PERSON AND SOMEONE IS

OUT THERE THAT IS BETTER FOR YOU THEN THEY

WILL COME TO YOU WHEN THE TIME COMES.."BUT IF

I LEAVE HER FOR THE RIGHT ONE..IMMA HURT HER.."

ARE YOU FEELING HER? DO YOU WANT HER? "YES"

SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? "I DONT

WANT TO DEAL WITH HIM CAUSE IM AFRAID HE IS

GONNA PLAY ME LIKE ALL THE OTHER DUDES IN MY

PAST" WHAT?! YOU JUST SAID THE KEY WORD P A S T

THATS RIGHT THEY ARE IN YOUR PAST..THERE FOR A

REASON..GET THE FUCK OVER IT..AND LET LOVE TAKE

AWAY THE FEAR..ALOT OF MY AQUAINTANCES SAY..

OH JOEY YOUR SO BRAVE, LOOK HOW MANY TIMES

YOU'VE BEEN HURT AND YOU STILL ARE THERE LOOKING

I DONT KNOW IF I COULD HAVE DONE IT IF I WERE

YOU. ILL ASK THEM WHY...ITS FEAR...WOW..NOW

DONT GET ME WRONG ITS NOT THAT I DONT HAVE FEAR

BUT ITS JUST THAT I EMBRACE MY FEAR AND REPLACE

IT WITH LOVING THOUGHTS..AND SO WHAT!! ITS A

LEARNING EXPERIENCE..IT WAS MEANT TO HAPPEN

I TAKE LIFE AS IT COMES..IF YOU HURT ME ITS FOR

MY OWN GOOD. BASICALLY..I EMBRACE THE MYSTERY..

BEING HURT DOESNT STOP ME..BECAUSE I AM WHO I

AM AND AT THE END OF THE DAY OR RELATIONSHIP

IM EITHER GONNA TAKE THE LESSON AND LEARN OR

KEEP MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE OVER AND OVER..

I TRY MY BEST TO LEARN FROM THE LESSON..SOME

TIMES I GET THROWN OFF COURSE AND MAKE THE

SAME MISTAKE BUT NEVER A THIRD TIME..IM JUST

FUCKING TIRED OF THE FEAR!! ARGHH...FAKE ASS

PLAYERS..FUCKING LOSERS!! FUCKING DICK HEADS!

IM JUST FUCKING FRUSTRATED!! IM FUCKING FUCKING

FRUSTRATED...IM TIRED OF THESE "BLIND" GIRLS

AND THESE..DUMBASS "BLIND" BOYS...DO YOURSELVES

A FAVOR AND SPEAK THE TRUTH!!! ALSO..IN ORDER

FOR YOU TO EVER LEARN A MISTAKE..U MUST ACCEPT

WHATS BEING SHOWN TO YOU AND STOP LIVING IN

DENIAL!!! FANTASY IS WHAT YOU WANT.BUT REALITY

IS WHAT YOU NEED...DENIAL IS A DISEASE!! SEE

THINGS FOR WHAT THEY ARE!! YOUR BEAUTIFUL, YOUR

SMART..TOO SMART TO LET SOME BOY OR GIRL MAKE

YOU A BIGGER FOOL THEN YOUR SUPPOSE TO BE!!!

DUDES MAN UP!! GIRLS OPEN YOUR EYES!! AND LET

LOVE FUCKING IN..SOMETIMES LOVE IS RIGHT IN

FRONT OF YOUR DUMB ASS MAYBE IF YOU OPEN YOUR

MINDS EYE YOU WOULDN'T BE SOO LOST!!! U HAVE

THE MAP TO LOVE..I THINK YOU JUST MISPLACED IT

ITS PROBABLY BEHIND THE DENIAL..AND THE LIES..

YOU TELL YOURSELF TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL GOOD

ABOUT WHAT YOUR DOING..DEEP DOWN YOUR HURTING

I KNOW..IVE BEEN THERE...LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH

TO LET GO!!!!!

FUCK YALL...LOL..JK

PEACE!

[old]ADVICE.

YOU WILL NOTICE THAT MY TITLES HAVE NOTHING TO

DO WITH WHAT I WRITE..BUT HEY..MAYBE THEY HAVE

A UNDERLYING MEANING. BUT YES BACK TO THE TOPIC

THE TOPIC IS ACKNOWLEDGEMENT..ACKNOWLEDGE

I'LL ASK THIS...WHY IS IT THAT WHEN WE ARE

FORCED TO FACE CERTAIN REALITIES IN OUR LIVES,

WE SEEM TO HAVE A REALLY HARD TIME CALLING

THINGS WHAT THEY ARE, WHICH IS WHY WE STAY IN

CURRENT RELATIONSHIPS OR PAST RELATIONSHIPS

(WHEN I REFER TO PAST RELATIONSHIPS I MEAN ONES

THAT YOU CANT GET YOUR MENTAL OUT OF..EVEN WHEN

PHYSICALLY YOU ARE OUT OF IT)AND ALSO WHY WE

STAY IN BAD SITUATIONS. I WAS RECENTLY READING

A BOOK WHICH USED A STORY IN THE BIBLE, "THE

BIBLE OFFERS US A STORY ABOUT A MAN WHO SAT AT

THE GATE OF THE CITY BEGGING FOR COINS. WHEN

TWO OF JESUS' DISCIPLES PASSED HIM WITHOUT

DROPPING ANYTHING INTO HIS CUP HE ASKED "WHY"

THE BEGGER EXPLAINED HIS SITUATION. HE PLEADED

WITH THE DISCIPLES FOR HELP. THEY REFUSED! THE

DISCIPLES REFUSED TO BELIEVE HIS STORY BECAUSE

THEY KNEW THE TRUTH."

IF YOU CALL YOURSELF SOMETHING FOR A LONG TIME

OR IF YOU SEE THINGS THE WAY YOU WANT THEM AND

NOT THE WAY THEY ARE YOU WILL BELIEVE IT. IN

THE BOOK IT SAID THAT THE DISCIPLES KNEW THAT

HE WAS IN DENIAL, SO THEY REFUSED TO HELP HIM

DENY HIMSELF MORE. WOULDNT IT BE LOVELY IF YOU

COULD STOP BUYING INTO YOUR BULLSHIT STORIES

AND FACE THE TRUTH? WE THINK THAT WE CAN START

A NEW RELATIONSHIP WHEN WE ARE STILL ANGRY ABOUT

THE OLD RELATIONSHIP. WE THINK WE CAN FIND A NEW

BETTER-PAYING JOB WHEN WE ARE STILL UPSET ABOUT

HOW WE ARE TREATED ON THE OLD JOB. YOU CANNOT

MOVE FORWARD INTO SOMETHING BIGGER, BETTER, AND

BRIGHTER THAN WHAT YOU HAD UNTIL YOU CLEAR YOUR

FEELING ABOUT WHAT THE OLD THING WAS, WHAT YOU

LEARNED AND WHAT YOUR ARE TAKING WITH YOU. WITH

OUT CLOSURE, THE BAD STUFF YOU HAD BEFORE IS

GOING TO FOLLOW YOU. ON THE OTHER HAND YOU

CANNOT FIND THE GOODNESS OF CLOSURE UNTIL YOU

FIND THE GOODNESS IN LETTING GO. EXITING A

RELATIONSHIP WHETHER IT BE CURRENT OR PAST IS

A PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND AN EMOTIONAL TASK. HERES

HOW I WOULD DO IT...NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD DO IT

BUT I WOULD MENTALLY GET MYSELF OUT FIRST,

PHYSICALLY LEAVE, AND THEN WITH CLOSE OFF THE

EMOTIONS.

UNTIL TODAY, YOU MAY HAVE REMAINED IN A

RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU EXITED A LONG TIME AGO.

JUST FOR TODAY, BE PRESENT ENOUGH TO ASK FOR

WHAT YOU WANT, AND REMAIN PRESENT LONG ENOUGH

TO RECEIVE IT

**BTW**

I WROTE THIS WHILE LISTENING TO MUSIC AND

TALKING TO PEOPLE SO IT MAY NOT MAKE SENSE..LOL

I WISH I HAD MORE CONCENTRATION.

Seems To Be To Me

SO.......THIS DUDE AND I
WHO WERE FWB's BEFORE ARE NOW ACTUALLY FRIENDS.
AFTER A BIG BLOW OUT AND AN ARGUMENT.
ALL WE DO IS TALK.
WELL NOT REALLY WE MOSTLY TALK ABOUT THE G1
WHICH IS FINE WITH ME CAUSE FRANKLY I REALLY AM NOT UP TO THAT LEVEL WITH HIM
WHERE I CAN TELL HIM WHO I LIKE..AND NEITHER IS HE.
AND I THOUGHT...HEY I LIKED THIS...BUT LISTENING TO JOHN LEGEND'S
EVERYBODY KNOWS...I REALIZED...I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND THE WAY TO SAY PLEASE STAY :(
OH WELL
CAUSE "IF A GUY LIKES YOU NOTHING CAN MAKE HIM STAY AWAY"
TRUE THAT.
:)

Paradise Village-by Poetic.Justice.

PARADISE VILLAGE

The air was hot and full of dust. It seemed as if the whole village was on a mission to see the girl who had come from

the magical America. I stared blankly at the shiny black face that belonged to my aunt. “Well, well, well look who

get she’self into trouble to come and grace she face to us.” I looked past her and saw the friendly face of my slightly

younger cousin Derek. “You me cousin from New York”? “Yeah, you got a problem”? The smile slowly left his face the

moment I responded. “Naw me ain’t got no problem Natasha, me just askin’, anyway I welcome you to the village.”

Derek is my Auntie's child ; and no, not the one that took me in but another one that left him to big Aunty. He was

very short in stature but had red skin that made him look almost Indian. My aunt was called Big Aunty, and Big

Aunty was just that; big in size and in age. She is my mother’s oldest sister. Then there’s Uncle Ben, big Aunty’s

husband he is very nice at least he is to me. He picks up my bags for me and we head into the house. This house such

as it was called was a bright green almost like the color of a fresh lime just picked off the tree in the season of

summer. Big Aunty showed me to my room and I was left all alone . The situation finally dawned on me and I

realized that I was all alone. No Mommy or Daddy or Jonna or Yonna . I hated my mother for sending me to this

horribly hot country called Guyana. It was truly not my fault that I was picked on. Was it my fault that I was born

darker skinned then most of my school mates? Did it even matter that I was this color? No of course not what matter

was that the kids in my class would have some entertainment, other then the frightened teachers. My mother told

me time and time again to have self control, to not let the words get to me. But self control can only go so far before

you explode. So as the teasing kept coming, I kept fighting and now I have to face the consequences of my actions: a

year in the hottest country ever. Suddenly a knock came at the door dragging me away from my thoughts and

placed my eyes at the door. It was Big Aunty. “Well me get some visitors at the door and they wan see hot big you get

so come and say hello to these people alright”? What choice did I have I was gonna have to act nice if I wanted to get

out of this hell hole. “Alright just give me a minute”. She left the room and I finished what I was doing and went

downstairs. There was a man and a woman at the door. The man was very tall and broad with a scar across his face,

while the woman was a bit shorter and heavy set. They claimed to be cousins, and talked about how big I had grown.

Though I’m sure I have never seen these people in my lifetime. “Eh, eh now is this Jeneva pickney , grow so big, she

look so good, how old is she now”?

They asked my aunt as if I wasn’t even there to answer for myself. “Im sixteen years old” I replied with a little

attitude. “Oh she a feisty one is she now”? Asked the heavy set woman while looking me up and down. “Yes that is

why she in this situation right now. She cause pure war at school with some kids, and now she mommy fed up with

her. Jeneva send she away to learn her one good lesson. You know what I say when pickney don’t wan’ learn they

skin gon’ get burned, and so say so done she end up feeling it right here in Guyana.”

I gave Big Aunty the meanest stare I could conjure up and all she did was smile. “Gwan go outside with you cousin im

sure he wan’ know about you life in New York.” I walked down the steps with such rage that I didn’t even notice the

black face in the bush in the next yard. “Hey you gal!” a deep voice comes from a bush and I jumped back a little

seeing a face staring right at me. “Who, me?” I replied, suddenly my cousin jumps up from the hammock and tells

the face to leave me alone. “I don’t wan hurt her I jus’ wan know where she come from.” My cousin looked at the face

which formed into a man and said “well you don’t need to know she business, what you need to know that far”? My

cousin took my hand and told me to follow him. “Why were you so mean to that man in the bush?” I asked. “That

man is a rapist, and a thief. He raped his own mother, and he was just trying to rape you too!”. I was shocked but I

couldn’t let my younger cousin pull one over on me so I said. “Yeah right he couldn’t even touch me, I’d knock the

shit out of him.” sounding all tough when really I was just scared. “Believe what you want but what I am telling you

is the truth.” He walked back to the hammock and lied down. “You wanna lie down too?” he asked. He moved down

and made room for me to sit. “How old are you?” I asked. He replied with fifteen. Suddenly he got up and walked in

the direction of the bridge. Feeling kinda scared I screamed “Wait !, where are you going, I wanna come too !” He

looked back and said “Fine come along with me!”. So many questions were going through my head but I kept them to

myself because the silence was kinda nice. We walked slowly down the road. Many people were outside of there

makeshift homes, some were cleaning up while others were lounging around. We turned into a house with about

fifteen little kids running in and out. An old woman with a hunched back came out of the house. “Ayo stop dis

running about before I lash ayo in y’all tale.” She looks up and notices the two of us. “Hello who’s there, anyone there,

anyone call my name”? “Its me miz Ansel , Derek. I come for see if Kemmil is at home.” She smiles and says “Oh hi

Derek how you do, you de good how Big Aunty?” I wanted to ask who is this lady but I didn’t want to interrupt their

conversation. “I’m fine, Big Aunty fine too.” A big smile was on Derek’s face which made me notice the cutest

dimples on his red face. As they went on with there small chit chat, I took a look around the village. The coconut trees

were swaying in the wind and hypnotized me for a minute. I visualized the sweetest mango, which I have yet to get

dripping down my chin as I eat the delicious fruit inside. My cousins voice brings me back, he was calling my name.

“Natasha, Natasha ?” I looked at him. “This is Miz Ansel, Miz Ansel this is my cousin from New York named

Natasha”. I smiled and she smiled back. “Nice to meet you child, how you do, you good?” “I’m fine”I answered, she

turned back to Derek. “Kimmel is inside hold on let me get him”. She went into the little house and left me here with

Derek. “Who’s Kimmel”? I asked. “My best friend, I know him from school”. Suddenly a brown skinned boy with

very long limbs come out. As he gets closer I can see that he is very attractive.

“Hey, what’s up man” said Kimmel. As he came more close I saw that his eyes were blue.

“Nothing much just showing my cousin the village.” said Derek. All eyes were on me and I flushed with

embarrassment. “What’s your name?” He asked. I said “Natasha.” Derek looks at me weird and I stare back. “ I know

you already know my name, so I'm not going to tell you it.” The hairs on the back of my neck were raised and I could

not see, which was partly the sun’s fault. “Hey man stop looking at my cousin like that, before I pop you in your

head.” My cousin was starting to be a real pain if you know what I mean. And he was trying to sound like an

American thug.

“Don’t worry Derek I can take care of myself. I don’t need your help.” Kimmel laughed and that made me smile

because his laugh was so cute. “Well I'm just trying to help you out, but watch you gonna be asking me for help when

he breaks your heart.” “Listen I'm gonna see you later Kimmel because Derek is tripping.” I turned to walk away but

Derek grabs my hand and says “Don’t go wait for me, I bet you can’t even find your way home.” He was right but I

was still pissed of so I ignored him. “Are you coming to the club tomorrow?” Derek asked Kimmel. “Yeah I'm coming as

long as your cousin coming too.” I looked at Derek to see if he was gonna answer for me but he just turned to look at

me. “Do you want to go?” I looked at Kimmel and then at Derek. “Yeah I would love to go, you know when I was in

New York I was a real party gal.” Which was a total lie since I wasn’t really allowed out of the house. “Cool then I will

see ya’ll later.” Kimmel did one final smile and walked away. Derek and I started up the road to the little green house

that I will now call my home for a year. But at least things were looking up, I met a cutie and as annoying as he is,

my cousin is mad cool. “You know your annoying right?” I told my cousin, he just smiled.......

I wrote this story a LOONNG time ago.
forgive the mistakes too lazy to fix them.
:)
copy-written.
lol.

.I am Losing Control.

I am losing control.
of my sight.
of my mind
of my heart.
it never was like this from the start.
I am losing control
and its taking over my soul
losing control is making me whole.
I am losing control.
and letting old things go.
chopping down the bushes, and letting the flowers grow.
I am losing control.
of my friends
of my family
of my life
............I am losing control of my strife.
I lost control of day and night.
I lost control of my ego always putting up a fight.
and when I lost control..I became whole.
and now I LOVE YOU so.
.ME.